Compadre
Lars Malarky

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Lars Malarkey is a drunken letch. He is the product of the union of a Bavarian barmaid and an Irish Rover. Gitta Piller worked in her uncle’s bier garden as a hostess and performer. The people of Hamburg were delighted by Gitta as she served up tankards of ale and bawdy songs until the wee hours of the morn. Albert Mooney was a liar; want to be a gentleman and a thief of all sorts. He was a highwayman, a seadog, and a man of confidence to boot. Albert was capable of separating people from their valuables in any situation be it on land or the sea.Albert waltzed into the Bier Garden some thirty years ago, looking to spend a bit of other folk’s hard earnings. He took a seat on a bench and gawked at the lovely woman waiting in the wings near the stage. “Mein Damen und Herren, mesdames et messieurs, Damas y caballeros; Welcome to the Blitz Bier Garden. Our first performer of the evening will be the alluring Gitta.” The announcer leapt of the stage as Gitta gracefully strode to the center. She sang a song lighthearted and lewd of bier and breasts. Raucous laughter and applause followed her song and dance. Albert was brought to his feet. Gitta shot him a smile and gave him the slightest touch as she past him. Albert found his mark, the rest of the night he accepted drinks only from her and had the center front seat for all of her following performances. After many hours, tankards and rounds of schnapps; things took their natural course. For the next three days and nights they sang and drank while the moon shone and slept together while the sun did shine. Albert’s wanderlust flared and he departed, swearing he would return shortly. He left Gitta with a gift that germinated nine months later.Lars grew into a precocious child, he’d play in the garden during the day, listening to the band practice and help the staff and band in any way he could. One night nearing his fifth year, Lars welcomed a patron to the Garden. “Gutten Abend mein Herren, I’m Lars. What’s your name?” The young boy shouted nearly over the band. “Good evening boy-o, I’m Alan Moonlight and I would be pleased with your finest table.” The Man said with a rich brogue as he stumbled into the garden, canvas sack slung over his shoulder. Lars schlepped Mr. Moonlight a tankard and was tipped with a silver real. Lars shouted his thanks and skipped off to show his mother as she emerged from the cellar. “Where did you get that?” She asked with a smile crossing her face. “I got it from Mr. Alan Moonlight.” Lars said. Gitta was aghast as she saw the man she knew as Albert Mooney sitting before her.“I’ll be back shortly’ equates to five and a half years to you!? You left me in a delicate condition, fending for myself and my son, pining for a liar!” Gitta shouted with fire in her eyes. Alan was leveled. He hadn’t realized this was the same garden he had sauntered into over five years ago. After taking a moment to sober himself, he crafted a new lie. “I was imprisoned for liberating ill-gotten gains from a lord whom enriched himself, rather than allowing his villagers to eat. I recently escaped and recouped the wealth.” He said as he gave the canvas sack a shake. Gitta’s eyes shot to the bag as its jingling ceased. “Were you lying then or now? Are you Albert Mooney or Alan Moonlight as you told my son? Or is every word you’ve spoken to me complete bullshit?” She asked at nearly a whisper. “No my deary, the false name was to throw off would be man hunters, just a little malarkey to protect you as well as this little one.” He said as he put his hand on little Lars’ shoulder. “I shan’t be leaving again.” Alan said nearly believe it himself. After some pleading, negotiating and bull slinging, Albert (as he claimed again) settled in as father and husband.Albert, Gitta and Lars served and performed nightly. When Gitta wasn’t about, Albert would teach Lars small time grifts and hustles to work on the bar patrons. With the small fortune he had amassed, Albert was able to enroll Lars in the academy. The young boy showed great promise in linguistics and music early on; although he had a flare for mischief. Six years had pasted and what had initially been a set up for a con had turned into a life Albert never knew he wanted. The occasional pocket he’d pick in the garden, kept his thieving impulse sated, until the day of Lars’ eleventh birthday. That afternoon the garden was filled with children instead of drunks. Cake was being served in place of alcohol. This finally broke Albert’s reserve and his need to lie, steal and wander struck at the core of his being. He claimed he was stepping out to get Lars his birthday present. Albert didn’t return to the garden.In the years that followed Gitta grew bitter and Lars adopted his father’s less likeable traits. He would steal from garden patrons, lie about things whether it mattered or not and he would disappear for days on end with little or no explanation when he returned. Just like his father he often adopted false names, using variations of his father’s or his own. Be it Lothar Madsen, Albert Moonlight Jr. or simply A.J. Sometimes Gitta would lament her son’s actions saying “You’re malarkey like your father”. Lars would correct her “…full of…” but she lost it in translation. Although he had lost focus in most of his studies, Lars had become proficient in several languages and a myriad of instruments. When Lars reached fifteen years of age, he decided to track down his father. Gitta though it a pipe dream of impossibility and urged him to continue his studies, but Lars had set his mind to it without regard to the enormity of the path before him.Lars took up with a band of Zigeuners (German Gypsies) in Bayern. They would take turns performing as others would pick the pockets of the assembled crowds. While with the Roma, Lars traveled much of Europe in four years. He enjoyed performing and stealing but always needed more. Lars and Miguel (a Spanish member of the band) took to ridding a bit behind the rest so they could rob travelers on the highways. The Spaniard, a former military man, taught Lars sword play and how to use a pistol quite well. Eventually the two had broken off from the rest to seek larger fortune. After amassing a fair amount of wealth in France, the pair had gain unwanted notoriety. So they took the ferry from Calais to Dover and tried their luck in merry old England.After following a lead on Lars’ father for some time that turned out to be a dead end the two settled in for a bit near the White Chapel or “other side” of London. They began to gain the confidence of the Rev. Ralph Davenant. The Reverend planned to bequeath a legacy for the education of the children of the parish. Lars and Miguel though this money would better help them than the future unfortunate and down trotted of East London. The night they were to make off with the money, they were captured by Lord Richard Cromwell’s men no less. The pair knew immediately they were looking at the gallows of perhaps exile and servitude in a far off land. The next day they were brought before Lord Cromwell himself. With one look at them and before benefit he spoke only two words: ”Tobacco Island.”Adorn in chains and bound for Barbados the outlook for the friends was bleak. With his skills in linguistics, Lars learned that many of the prisoners spoke no English, had no idea where they were going and though all of them claimed to be innocent many may actually have been. The Captain of the vessel called the Venture had taken notice of Lars’ aptitude. When the Venture made it to a port, Lars was brought out to interpret and negotiate if necessary. This did earn Lars less rotten food, but he knew full well this would provide a chance to commute his sentence. Six days into the transatlantic voyage the single musician developed scurvy due to his disdain for limes. Lars heard the crew’s complaints, saw his opportunity and requested and audience with the captain.
He did his best not to over nor under sell his skills as a musician all the while leaning on the fact the current ship’s shanty man was out of commission for the foreseeable future and furthermore not all the good to begin with. The captain sent a boy to fetch the ill musician’s mandolin. Upon its delivery, Lars played “Jolly Sailor Bold” better than ever before in his twenty-one years.The Captain was very pleased with this and allowed Lars to join the crew with the provision of one tenth pay and performing musically whenever called. Lars agreed with a provision of his own; He requested that Miguel also be allowed to join the crew. Lars touted Miguel’s proficiency as a sailor and skills with sword and pistol. The Captain refused with the caveat that if Lars was to serve well, once they reached Barbados Miguel would be given a chance to join the crew as he had. Lars did perform well all tasks placed before admirably. He did receive the worst of the details from the quartermaster whom strongly disagreed with the Captain’s decision whenever outside of his earshot. Lars learned quickly and was on his way to becoming an able bodied sailor. Be it wind, string or drum he played keeping the crew’s spirit high from dawn to well past dusk. His youth spent in a bier garden crafting his silver tongue work well in his attempts to win over the remaining crew. Once the original ship's musician failed to regain his health, Lars had cemented his position.Upon the Venture’s arrival in Bridgetown, Lars was ordered by the captain to keep a certain prisoner below deck. For three additional days while the crew enjoyed shore leave Lars watched over Miguel, still in chains. After the crew had their fill of rum and swarthy women once again the Venture was resupplied and underway. After a half day of sailing, Miguel was given his “audition” to join the crew. Luckily his hands were fast and accurate. Knots of all sorts tied perfectly, his ability to fly through the rigging most impressive. The Captain called the two of them into his cabin. Impressed with the pair he offered them both full crew status but only half pay until the next voyage. The two gladly accepted.Nigh a year later, now both fully paid and official members of His Majesty’s Royal Navy Lars and his friend had found a home on the Venture. The Captain had been awarded a letter of Marque. This did well to keep their thieving natures in check just as they felt them scratch. The crew of the Venture gained a great deal of treasure for the crown and a fair amount for themselves over the next few years. As they sailed from port to port, Lars would hear from people whom had met of heard of a conman named Alex Malone or a pirate called Arlis McGovern. It seemed his father had a compulsion to change his name but not his initials. Any pursuit of these leads found a tepid trail at best.One Morning just as starlight began to fade a ship was spotted to the east. She flew the flag of France although her sails were furled. “It’s a derelict” was cried from the crow’s nest. “A lucky salvage for us, bring her about her broadside and prepare to board the derelict” shouted the Captain. As the Venture came closer to the derelict, no crew was seen on the deck and it appeared as if it had seen its fair share of battles. The Venture dropped its canvas and crew members threw grappling lines to the other vessel. Only after the ships were bound to each other did the attack begin. A man sprung up and tore down the French colors and flew a black flag with white skeletal wings growing from crossed cutlasses. Pirates emerged from hiding places all over, rushed up from below deck as a man clad in kilt calmly walked out of the aft castle and shouted “Surrender of die for you now face the pirates of the Seriph.” Surrender they did not and the fight while furious was quickly over. A single volley of cannon fire from the Seriph disabled and set the Venture to sink. Paltry few of the Ventures crew was spared and only for the foreseeable future while they and the pirates collected all of the cargo, cannons and other valuables.As the Venture began to slip beneath the sea the remainder of its crew was lined up on the deck of the Seriph. Captain Liam Starfish, as he introduced himself, asked each of the men their name, rank and position. A young man responded “David Smyth, ship’s boy, carpenter’s apprentice”. Captain Liam glanced at pirate whom shook his head then said, “Master carpenter Silver has no need of you and neither do I”. Shockingly a presumably female pirate drew steal and cut the boy’s throat. She shoved his dying body over board. “Thank you Sweet Charity” said the Captain to his executioner. This continued down the line. Some crew members were offered position with the pirates others were sent to the locker. Lars hoped that his days weren’t at an end and his skill would be needed by the Seriph. As Captain Liam stood before Lars he took a chance cleared his throat and spoke in a nearly perfect Scottish dialect “Sir I am Lars Moonlight Malarkey master musician and interpreter”. Hopefully, the one legitimate skill (being knowledge of all the languages of the British Isles) his father gave Lars might now save his neck. The Captain’s eye widened and grew fire within. Lars assumed his days were numbered, but the Captain then smiled and said in Latin “Clever man but more knowledge is needed by me than cunning. Any others?” Lars nearly blurted out gibberish as every language he knew tried to escape his lips at once. “Aux francea Monsieur aber uften sie Deutch? En Espanol [or perhaps Dutch]? I am still working on mastery of Patois used in the Spanish Main and I’ll pick up whatever else this crew might need, quickly”. Lars said hoping a little levity might keep him breathing. The crew laughed a bit. The Captain mulled it over for a moment then spoke “You are a shanty man also?” “Yes sir, put an instrument in my hands and I’ll get something decent out of it for you.” Lars said trying not to seem overeager. Captain Liam Called over a fair-skinned ginger boy named Wedge. Apparently this boy was the only musician the ship had but a singer not so much a player. “I could use an accompaniment.” Said the boy, granting Lars life as a pirate.Lars took to being a pirate rather well. He believed that his life had led him to this all along. Lars lamented the loss of Miguel. He couldn’t clearly remember what happened to him during the battle, but had no memory of him making it on to the Seriph. New friends were made amongst the pirates. First Mate Sweet Charity Morgan was a fiery woman whom seemed to accept Lars as a crew member early on. Jesus Silver and Purity Roberts enjoyed the sweet songs Lars would play into the night. Captain Liam Starfish was very pleased with the addition of Lars to his crew. With his silver tongue, Lars bartered so mellifluously; those he duped thought they had pulled one over on him. Captain Liam did love the music that now filled his ship. Chiefly Liam enjoyed the bar games that Lars taught the crew. Frivolity in times of rest was good for all crew members including the captain himself. The Dread Pirate Wedge was paramount to Lars’ initial survival and friendship with this boy grew quickly. The two would sing songs raunchy and rum soaked of wonder and women.One night after many bottles of the devil’s drink, being the last two left on deck Lars bid good night to the boy and stumbled below. Wedge said he would be right behind Lars after talking to a man about a horse. Half way to his rack Lars realized he had left his guitar on deck. He clamored as reached out for his guitar but was stopped cold by what he saw. Wedge was responding to the call of nature; not as a man would, standing at the edge but squatting with HER bum hanging in the breeze. As she stood confirmation was made that she was a two legged pirate, not three legged as Lars and the other men. “No one must know. This secret gains me respect, position and poises me to strike the unwitting.” Wedge said ready to fight if the need arose. “Well, with your word I was saved from the locker. I suppose I can pretend I saw a baby’s arm holding an apple as an alternative to your whisker biscuit.” Lars